Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
