I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have fence marks all over my body
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
