Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
