So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
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and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
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I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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