I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Im part way to drunk.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
