I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
