Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
