I'm jealous of your bromance
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
