I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
