remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Who died my cat blue again?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
