I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize
