My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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