You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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