Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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