i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
