my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
