why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
