Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
