i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
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I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
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I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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