I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
