The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
