spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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