Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
