my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
