Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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