I will die if light touches me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My vagina just clenched in fear
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
