The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
