Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
