You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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