please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
