You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
