I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
