I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
