meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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