High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
