I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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