I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Houston, we have a squirter
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
