sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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