Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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