It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
