So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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