tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think a kid would responsible me up
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
