dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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