nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
