ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
