You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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