i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
