She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
