apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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