I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
