i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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