Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
