why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
