No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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