Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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