I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
