: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
