he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
