there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
